When God Created Mothers

by Erma Bombeck

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When God was creating mothers, He was into his sixth day of “overtime” when an angel appeared and said, “You’re doing a lot of fiddling around on this one.” And the Lord said, “Have you read the specs on this order?

• She has to be completely washable, but not plastic;
• Have 180 movable parts... all replaceable;
• Run on black coffee and leftovers;
• Have a lap that disappears when she stands up;
• A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair;
• And six pairs of hands.”

The angel shook her head slowly and said, “Six pairs of hands... no way.” “It’s not the hands that are causing me problems,” said the Lord. “It’s the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have.” “That’s on the standard model?” asked the angel.

The Lord said, “I’m so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick... can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger... and can get the twins to take a bath.” The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. “It’s too soft,” she sighed. “But she’s tough!” said the Lord excitedly. “You cannot imagine what this mother can do or endure.” “Can it think?” “Not only can it think, but it can reason and compromise,” said the Creator.  

Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek. “There’s a leak,” she pronounced. “I told You You were trying to push too much into this model.” “It’s not a leak,” said the Lord. “It’s a tear.” “What’s it for?” “It’s for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride.” “You are a genius,” said the angel. The Lord looked somber. “I didn’t put it there,” He said.

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